For any proud Canadian, it’s not hard to notice that we’re currently facing a challenge to our very sovereignty. But while we navigate the aggressive tactics of the new administration to the south, one glorious side effect has been the major uptick in our national pride. More than ever before, being Canadian means buying Canadian, not to mention, living our Canadian values, waving the flag and supporting the country and each other however we can – and we are – and good for us! But as we try to manage what seem like daily crises, I find myself longing for simpler, less stressful times – and memories of growing up in idyllic Leaside during the ’70s beckon.
My twin brother Terry and I entered Leaside High School in 1973 for an unforgettable and life-changing five-year run. (Yes, I’m glad the elimination of Grade 13 came well after our high school days, as, for me, my final year at LHS was by far the most formative.) And to say that we were the skinniest, scrawniest kids in the school would be a colossal understatement. This reality was never more obvious (and ego-crushing) than during those 35 terrifying minutes of Grade 9 gym class.
Most of our classmates were almost men while Terry and I weighed 70 lbs. and were still singing soprano. Things went from bad to worse on the first day when the LHS gym shorts were distributed – one size fits all, including Godzilla. The green shorts Terry and I received that day could have easily doubled as an area rug or parachute. I’m quite certain we looked just ridiculous.
The focus of the first few weeks of Phys. Ed. was Olympic Wrestling, of all things. This posed yet another problem for us as every other guy in the class outweighed us by at least 30 lbs. There were Lightweight, Middleweight and Heavyweight divisions, and then there were the Fallis twins, the only members of the newly created Paperweight division. And so it went.
Five years later, still emotionally scarred from what became known in our family as the Gym Shorts Trauma, Terry and I decided to run in the election for President and Vice President of the Student Council. With the plight of skinny Leasiders always uppermost in our minds, we felt a responsibility to make oversized gym shorts a campaign issue. In the middle of my final speech to the whole school, I pledged that, if elected, we would ensure there were gym shorts available in sizes other than double extra-large. I then calmly stepped away from the podium and moved to the front of the stage, carefully removed my suit jacket and then proceeded to drop my pants to the floor revealing a massive pair of LHS shorts held up by suspenders – a classic object lesson intended to make our point crystal clear. Apart from several students running for the exits in horror at the sight, and a trip to the school nurse for a few more, our campaign promise was fairly well received, at least that’s how we chose to perceive the ensuing hysterical laughter. Needless to say, it wasn’t enough to win the election, although evidently enough to make the yearbook (see grainy photo). And, even worse, I’m sad to confirm that those shorts fit me perfectly today. If that’s not karma, I don’t know what is!
